then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
