i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
