I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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