i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
