chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
