i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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