I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
