I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
