Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
