I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
