I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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