He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
