i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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