I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Randomize
