i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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