my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I believe in your delicious
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
