This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
