Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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