please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
