I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
