I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize