Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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