please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
