I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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