i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I know her cup size but not her name....
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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