and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
