Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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