I feel like abortions should bother me more
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
