what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
