Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
