dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
‪He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life‬
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
