last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
