I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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