i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I pour the whiskey from now on
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize