Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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