he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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