OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
