I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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