Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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