I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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