Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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