Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Randomize
