my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
