i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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