i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
