This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
