I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
