I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
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