When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
