Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
