shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
