god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
