if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
