i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
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