No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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