WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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