You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
