you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
