we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize