Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
